The Rehearsal

THE REHEARSAL

"Sometimes I don't know who I am. I guess I can talk to you. After all, we love each other, don't we?" Lisa paused, unsure of herself. Her need for reassurance was overwhelming. Sometimes she almost believed that the world was her stage and that the manner in which she performed her life was being judged all of the time.

Lisa's latest boyfriend was anything but that. He was twenty years older than she, and hadn't been a boy in a long time. And, as for being her friend, well, he was rich and she was beautiful. He believed that was enough common ground and she shouldn't question their relationship further. Since this was simply the latest in a series of similar relationships for Lisa, she spent several months of her life allowing Brian to lead her around, telling her what to eat, wear and do, and for the most part make her miserable. I guess this is what it is supposed to be like, she would tell herself when she felt the urge to put an end to the relationship.

Lisa even tried therapy. Much to her surprise, she found herself beginning to question the way she conducted her life. Her success as an actress gave her little satisfaction and her so-called love life continued to be a disaster. She seemed to attract the unhealthiest men, and her therapist told her that she was getting what she thought she deserved. She got angry at that remark, but realized quickly that her therapist was right. This was not what she really deserved, but it was what she believed she deserved. She began to understand the difference.

Lisa was bright and learned about herself quickly in the same manner that she could memorize a script. In a single sitting she learned the lines of her daily soap-opera character. Sometimes, she felt that she should ask the script writers to come home with her and write the lines for her life, as well.

It was Saturday and, as usual, Brian was ensconced on her gray velvet sofa. He had taken off his shoes, jacket and tie and it was as obvious as the prominent nose on his ferret-like face that he intended - no, expected - to get laid before another hour passed.

Damn, thought Lisa, I don't even get a decent dinner for a great... She paused, and the words of her therapist returned to her. She had been complaining to him that she always attracted such losers. He said that she should change the channel. That really stopped her. She liked it when he used TV terms to describe her life. That was something she understood.

"Change channels?" she had asked, for the moment, caught off-guard.

"Yes," answered Hamilton, Lisa's therapist, "you know, stations get the audience they broadcast to. If you put on a children's show, you get an audience of children, or worse yet, adults who think like children."

"You mean, I'm asking to have every loser in New York make a play for me, is that it?" Lisa got quite defensive for a moment and stared at Hamilton, challenging him.

"You said it, dear." Hamilton smiled and refused to take her challenge.

Lisa paused and said, "I'll have to think about that one." Hamilton nodded and waited for Lisa to continue. She decided to be obstinate and sat quietly waiting for Hamilton to make the next move.

"Would you like something to read while you're waiting?" Hamilton finally responded.

"I can't get around you can I?" asked Lisa, now smiling.

"That's not the issue, Lisa," said Hamilton, gently. "You can't seem to get past yourself."

Lisa sat quietly reflecting upon her life for a few minutes and then blurted, "That's it! Next time I see Brian I'm going to let him have it. I'm tired of having a fucked up life!"

Hamilton simply smiled and told her, "I believe you are very special, and you need to get in touch with yourself."

Lisa showed immense gratitude, as only a skilled actress can.

Hamilton told her, "You don't need to pay for a compliment you already earned. You need to talk about the things which are bothering you, not just the trivia." Hamilton sat back in his chair and looked away from her.

"I'm not ready to deal with all that stuff, yet," said Lisa defensively.

"I know," answered Hamilton, "and in the meantime, it's dealing with you."

Lisa went home very disturbed by that session with her therapist. She couldn't get it out of her mind and she resolved that Saturday, when Brian came over for his obligatory weekend fuck, she would tell him off. She spent the next three days pondering how to go about it. However, Lisa had a strong need to be liked and she couldn't bear to have anyone angry with her.

Saturday night arrived. Lisa spent her usual two hours selecting her wardrobe and applying makeup to her beautiful, unlined face. She finished creating herself with an obligatory one hundred strokes of a brush through her lustrous black hair.

What can I tell him, Lisa thought. Maybe, I'll simply say, `Brian, we're through. There's someone else in my life. She laughed. I'm sounding more like my TV characters all the time. I gotta get out of soaps. Maybe I should do Shakespeare. Maybe... Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her half-broken doorbell. Ding-clunk went the bell. "That's my life, too, she thought, with irony. Ding-clunk!

"Hi, darling!" Lisa blurted, as Brian exploded into the room. Why did I say that? She gave herself a swift, sharp mental kick in her well-proportioned ass.

Brian threw himself on the sofa and kicked his shoes halfway across the room, causing Lisa to wince. She was so meticulous about herself and her possessions.

"Brian," Lisa began, "we have to talk." Change channels! flashed through her mind. "Just listen to me, Brian. If I don't get this out, I don't know what will happen!"

Oh, God, thought Lisa, why do I have to be so dramatic?

She looked at Brian in a new light, and shuddered involuntarily. She began talking and hoped that she would figure out what to say as she progressed. "Sometimes I don't know who I am. I guess I can talk to you. After all, we love each other, don't we? Do you love me? I want you to so very much. You know I really love you, don't you? Do you think I'm attractive? Did you see my show yesterday? I was so nervous. I really thought I was terrible, just terrible." Lisa couldn't stop rambling ... or fishing for compliments.

Lisa paused, thinking, "Why don't I like myself? Everyone is always telling me how attractive I am and how good an actress they think I am. Maybe it's because they don't know me. Who is me? God, I'm so confused sometimes. Do I really love him, or are those lines I'm supposed to play? I don't know what is real and what is acting. Maybe I've been an actress too long. I know that I was good yesterday, damn good. I played the hell out of my scenes. Why couldn't I just say so?

"What do you want to do tonight, Brian? Lets go out and really celebrate, okay? I need some excitement to get through the day. You don't understand what it's like for an actress. It isn't just being glamorous, you know. Spending hours working on my face and body and learning lines. It can be boring and tedious. It took three hours just to find the right dress for my big party. Here, do you like it? Want me to try it on for you? It really is cut down to here. Is it too ... brazen? Do you like me brazen? A brazen hussy - that's me!"

Why did I say that? Lisa held back tears, her anger at herself growing. Do I need to give every man the impression that all I want is for him to fuck my brains out. I am not as shallow and simple as I try to make them believe. I wish I could express my real feelings. Just once, after one of their pathetic efforts, I would really like to say: When's the fun supposed to start?

If they only knew. If they only knew what? I'm thinking like the damn soap scripts - in damn cliches. That can't really be me, can it? I know what I really want. Some day, I want to be loved for me. God, I am so damn confused. All I really want is to be accepted. Yet, I never let any of them see anything but what I want them to see. It's safer that way.

"Talk to me, Brian. We never really talk. What are you feeling? I want to know what you are feeling but you never tell me. Is it so hard for you to talk about your feelings? I always tell you what I'm feeling!"

"C'mon over here, babe, and I'll show you what I'm feeling," said Brian, in his best imitation of a sensuous voice. Lisa felt herself being involuntarily drawn over to the sofa. To skip the unnecessary details, it is sufficient to say that within five minutes Lisa found herself out of the dress she had spent two hours picking out and putting on. Her makeup was smeared and her beautiful hair was tangled.

"Gotta get goin, babe. Got a meeting later. See you around, ok?" said Brian, as he quickly pulled on his pants and carelessly tucked in his white-on-white shirt. "It was great."

Lisa lay in her bed long after Brian left. She appeared to be rehearsing for Camille's death scene with an arm throw carelessly across her face. Later, she began rocking herself and sucking her thumb, a habit which made her feel ashamed, but one which brought her one of the few real comforts her life afforded her. Why?

The following week, when she went for her appointment with Hamilton, Lisa remembered his injunction against wearing eye liner and makeup when she was planning to cry. She felt that this was going to be one of those times when there better be a large supply of extra strong Kleenex.

The expression on Lisa's face told Hamilton all he needed to know. "It didn't go the way you hoped, did it?"

"I fucked up, boss, I really fucked up! I mean that every way you can mean it, too!" She smiled and cried at the same time. "I really do it to myself, don't I?"

"Lisa, why don't you talk about your feelings?" said Hamilton, not responding to her statement.

"Talk about my feelings?" Lisa replied, angrily. "I talk about them, and around them, and everything except with them. I'm a real actress, all right! Except I can't do a fucking thing without a script. What do I really feel? Most of the time, just empty and scared. I need so much support - especially from men - just to feel a little ok. I never ask for what I really need, I just accept sex and physical love from whoever I'm with."

Lisa clenched her fists and her body became rigid. Her voice became louder as she continued, until she was shouting. "That seems to be what most men offer - at least the ones I'm meeting! They don't really give a rat's ass who I am! They want my body. They want the feeling that they fucked a celebrity. Celebrity? That's a funny one. I'm the famous, Who the fuck is she? I'm just waiting for someone to ask me, Didn't you used to be Lisa Whatsername?

"No, I'll tell them, but ask me, and I will be the best Lisawhatshername you want me to be!

"That's Lisa - trying her damnest to please all of the people all of the time, and letting herself get shit on!" Lisa choked back tears and then lost control and sat crying for several minutes. "Gimme a kleenex, Hamilton," she sniffled. "This is going to be a day for extra strong!"

"Go on when you're ready, ok?" said Hamilton, gently.

"God, I can't make it alone, and I always, always feel so alone. So alone." Lisa stared into space, lost for a moment in her thoughts.

"Why do they go out with me? There are so many girls out there who are more attractive than me, and more successful too. What do they like about me?" Hamilton remained silent as Lisa explored her feelings.

"Please answer, damn you. I need to know. I REALLY NEED TO KNOW. What does anyone like about me? I don't like much about myself, right now, Most of them can't see past my face and body. No, damn it! That's wrong! I don't allow any of them to see the real me. I don't know what the hell I'm afraid of. If I let people see me, what am I afraid they will see?

"I'm a good person. I don't ever try to hurt anybody. But with men, I really do love them and leave them. Reject them before they have a chance to reject me - or worse yet - not reject me! If I take a chance and let one person get close to me, would I die from a little rejection? Or worse yet, a little acceptance? I don't want to have to please everybody at my own expense. Maybe it's because of the way I grew up."

"Tell me about growing up, Lisa," Hamilton asked.

"What do you want to know?" Lisa responded, defensively.

"Why don't you pretend you are talking to your parents as a child and tell them what you need them to hear." Hamilton paused as Lisa thought about what he had said. He could tell by her posture - leaning forward in anticipation - that the idea appealed to her.

"It's like acting - what you're asking me to do, right?" Lisa was becoming excited at the prospect of playing a character, even if the character was an earlier version of herself. "Ok, but... I was going to say I don't know the lines, but they are really my lines. Should I start?" she asked.

Hamilton simply nodded. Lisa drew into herself and looked as if she was preparing for her cue.

"... and action," whispered Hamilton.

"Mom? Dad? Tell me you love me," Lisa began, in a plaintive voice. "That's all I ever really wanted. Sure, you told me I was beautiful and talented and helped me with my career, but you didn't stop to see I was just a kid.

"I remember when I was ten. I was standing in the corner of the school yard, right next to the chain link fence. The other kids were playing hopscotch and jump rope. I felt so alone. I felt so different. Of course I was different. I was a star. I had a regular role on a daytime drama, and I had a featured role in a Broadway play, but all I wanted was for somebody to come over to me and say, Hi, wanna play with us? I wanted to run, but there wasn't anyplace to run.

"I know you both had a lot of problems. Dad, I wish you could have been sober like you are now and just be there to hold me when I felt lonely and scared. I have to admit, I liked being given all that special attention, most of the time, but there were those times when I just wanted to be a regular kid. Mom, I remember the time the producers told you to keep me out of the sun so I wouldn't tan and look too ethnic. I had to carry an umbrella to keep the sun from tanning my face. You were so happy to cooperate with them.

"Maybe all the shit from my childhood is the reason for all of the trouble. You think maybe it's why I turn to all the men even when it is just my stomach that's turning when I act like that? Maybe that's why I turned to drugs and booze. I felt whole for a little while, anyway, but what a kick in the ass I got in the end from that little trip." Lisa paused and looked at Hamilton, returning to the present. She had fallen into her past for a few moments.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "I really felt like I was back home. Home," she repeated, nostalgically. "I never felt so - what? Real, I guess.

"What would you like to know about me, Hamilton? Do you want me to tell you how I really feel, you know, not the actress, the real me? Maybe I'm talking too much. Sometimes I'm so wired out. Too much coffee and too many cigarettes. Someday, I'm going to quit, but not today. Everybody is addicted to something, you know. That's my addiction. Hamilton, I really do love you, you know!

"Words, words, words. The more I talk, the more I hide. Hamilton, you tell me I'm worthy to give and receive love. I desperately want to believe that. If it is true, why couldn't mom and dad give me love when I really needed it, or ... maybe they did? Maybe I just needed more than they had to give. Maybe I needed more than anyone had to give.

"I'm so afraid to take chances with people, even those I truly love. What if it happens again? I know that's foolish, but every time I trusted dad, he went out and got drunk. I know he's different now, but I still can't forget. I'd sit there, cool, like only a kid can be. Yeah, mom, I'm cool. He'll be home when he gets home.

"Inside I was angry and terrified. Sometimes I wanted God to punish him for letting me down. And then I would feel really guilty and be afraid that God would give me what I wished for. No, no, God. I really love my daddy, I really do!

"And mom, I always thought she was pushing me. Thought she was pushing me? Damn it! She dragged me to every fucking audition and cattle call. We would leave the house at five in the morning to be first in line. `Wear this dress, Lisa, look beautiful Lisa, we have to get this part, Lisa!

"We? God damn it, it wasn't we! I was the one who put my ass on the line every fucking time, not her. No, not her. I really thought she was doing it all for herself, not for me. She wanted to be the star, but I was the one doing all the work. I was the one out there taking all the chances."

Lisa paused and the anger faded from her remarkably expressive face. She looked at Hamilton for a moment and continued; "All for her? She really had a hell of a life, didn't she? Drunk husband, and her star daughter who had to be carted all over the country at the drop of a hat. She had a real life, didn't she? I still blame her for my bad feelings. It's not easy to break old habits. Sure, she must have gotten some pleasure out of my success, but so did I. So did I.

"You know, Hamilton, I can't figure out what I really want. My dad loves me. My mom loves me. My friends - and I do have real friends - they love me too. Maybe I ought to ask, what do I give back? No, maybe I have to ask why all that love doesn't get through and help me feel better about myself? Maybe I have to get less selfish about some things and more selfish about others. I want to be liked, but damn, I don't need to allow myself to be used. I can't have it both ways.

Lisa sat back in the chair, exhausted. "I liked that, Hamilton. But, how does talking about the past help me get out of bad relationships?"

"Let's go back before we move ahead, ok, Lisa? You put together a lot of feelings from your past. What can you tell me about you from what you said?" Hamilton smiled while Lisa looked shocked.

"Hey! I didn't know I was going to have to take a test after I performed the role! This is harder than a screen test," said Lisa, trying hard not to laugh.

"What did I learn?" she asked, more to herself than to Hamilton. "Well, maybe the simplest way to describe it is that I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. Damn, I do sound like one of my characters on the soaps!"

"Maybe that's because they are just a simplification of life and right now you need simple answers that you can do something with." Hamilton sat back while Lisa lit a cigarette. "She even looks like a star doing that simple act, he thought.

"The simplest answer would be for me to tell Brian to simply fuck off!"

Hamilton smiled.

"What's funny?" asked Lisa.

"I was just thinking," replied Hamilton, "that poor Brian won't like being told to fuck off half as much as being asked to fuck on!"

When Lisa was able to stop laughing, she said, "You're better than a soap opera, you mad fool! You always help me see the funny side of everything. Hey, maybe I should play it like I did the stuff about my family, what do you think?"

"Yeah," answered Hamilton. "Let's call it a rehearsal, ok?"

Lisa stood up and began pacing. "I almost just said, Lines, please! This is just like a script except it's like when you forget your lines and have to wing it. I do that all the time!" Lisa turned her back to Hamilton and took a few deep breaths. "Ok, I'm ready."

Lisa turned to face Hamilton. Her usually sensuous mouth had a firm set. She began talking to someone sitting on an unseen sofa. "Brian, there is something I need to say to you. Stop looking at me like that. I'm not about to tell you I can't see you any more. I need to really talk to you. Right now, I'm so afraid. No, you don't have to hold me. I just need to talk, really talk.

"I think that I'm falling in love with you, but I am so frightened that I don't know if I can handle it. I still have to learn how to really share me with another person. I talk all the time so I don't have to say anything. Did you ever feel that way?"

Lisa paused and shook her head. "No, that's not right! Falling in love? I haven't even begun to learn what love is. I still need to make him feel that he has to be attached to me. And, if he does attach, I might just run, like I always do.

"I am beginning to like me - at times. Maybe for me, falling in love is just wanting to feel connected, because I feel so alone. I still feel like I did that day in the schoolyard. I need someone, and he's a good person. But, maybe that isn't enough. Love is such a mixed up thing in my life. Dad used to say he loved me and then he'd disappear for three weeks at a time. Mom said she loved me, and then she'd drag me to auditions when I just wanted to play with the other kids. Men said they loved me and then they'd try to make me over into their image of the perfect woman. I can't even begin to know what love is.

"Everytime I think I've fallen in love it feels good, but ends up making me feel worse than before! Maybe I just want to feel connected like mom and dad. Always fighting, but always connected. That's how it always was with me, too. Everytime I get into a relationship, it's breaking up and making up. The bad times are bad, but the good times are sure good!

"Sure. Good," Lisa said, sarcastically. I have nothing to show for all of my old relationships except maybe more fingerprints on my ass than the FBI has in its files! Why the hell am I in such a rush to jump into another relationship and another bed? Can't I be alone for a little while without feeling lonely? Maybe I need to just be with me for a while - if I can. It's so easy to say, but so hard to do.

"Oops!" Lisa said and put her hand to her mouth like a school kid who accidentally spoke an obscenity in the classroom. "I'm talking to you, Hamilton, not to Brian. Let me try again. I still don't know what I'm going to say.

"Hi, Brian, come on in. Sit down. No, Brian, I really don't want to sit with you right now. I need to say something to you. I think that maybe we should take things a little slower. We care about each other and maybe this relationship needs time to grow. Maybe for once, I can be in a relationship that starts off getting to know someone first rather than getting laid and then trying to get to know someone. Maybe I should just say to you what I really feel now - that I'm not certain I'm in love, but I am in need, and at this moment, you could fill that need.

"You never knew I was a philosopher, did you? I always felt I needed to take some control over my own life, I just never had the courage to do it. It's scary, really scary, but it feels right. For the first time in my life, it feels right!

"Yes, maybe it would be best if you go home now. I need some time to myself.

"How was that?" asked Lisa, looking proud of her performance.

"Emmy Award quality. You have my nomination," said Hamilton, as both of them laughed, co-conspirators in a Machiavellian plot.

"Now, if I can only do it as well in real life as I did in rehearsal," Lisa replied, looking less confident.

As luck would have it, Brian called to cancel their date for the following Saturday. Lisa was primed to give the best performance of her career, but, that's show business!

The following Tuesday, Brian called and said he would be over in a couple of hours. Lisa began shuffling through her wardrobe and stopped. No, I don't need to get into costume for this performance. This one is going to be the real me!

Ding-clunk, rang the poor, half-broken bell. Lisa moved toward the door resolutely.

When Brian entered, he was all hands and Lisa felt that she had just been searched for weapons.

"Hi, Brian, come on in," said Lisa, just as she had dozens of times in rehearsal. She smiled to herself, warming to the feeling actors get when they know they've nailed their role and are about to give a great performance.