Gone

This is it. There's no way I can take anymore. There she is, practically waiting for me to come to my senses. And so I walk. And there she is.

---

It's been what? 3 months? 4 months? I'm walking once again, like all those other days. It's a routine I take before school as I go over to her house. It's not a short walk, not long either. I wouldn't call it fine though but still, I'm satisfied. Happy? I can't answer that yet.

I pass by the catwoman's house which is, of course, full of cats. Ironically, she has dogs too. But the cat smell makes us all forget about the dogs.

I cross the first major intersection. Not major as in city kind of major. But it matters in the sense that it has a light. I wait for green. The green person, that is, which tells me to keep walking and I do.

Next I pass by a record store and I see the latest album I want to buy. It's a classical album. I listen to classical when I want too which would be several hours each day preferably the early morning and in the middle of the night. What do I do in the middle of the night? That will come later.

I am in the park now still walking. I look like I'm strolling now. I try to blend in with the joggers but still they see my uniform and I lose chance to pretend I'm mature. I am sensitive to these kind of things – things of age.

I take out a biscuit as I pass by the shopping district. Again, this is an attempt to blend in. This time I'm walking faster blending in with the busy crowd. I blend in the street and poke my way across the pedestrian lane. This is the second one. The next will be the last.

And here it is. This part I love the most not only because of proximity to where I am going but also of the peace I feel from the shops. This is the old shopping district. Most of the buildings have become residential and on one of these is where she lives.

From a two-story edifice she comes out. She stops to think. She does this everyday, checking her mind for things forgotten. She had a strong sense of missing. But a good part of this she can't find. Today all is ready and she sits on the bottom stair. She's made this her habit. And I, not wanting her uniform soiled, have placed a little footstool for her to sit onto. Now the bottom stair plus the stool is like a true chair in height.

She spots me from the last street I have to cross and I stop walking. I wait for her to walk over. As she does, I look at her face and a deep calm comes over me. This is ridiculous, I think to myself. She brings me too much happiness. I smile. She smiles. And as she is an arm's length away from me she takes my hand into hers. I smile again and she laughs. She reckons she doesn't fully understand why we are this way. And so it remains a laughing matter that we smile for a reason we may never know.

---

Hey. She smiles her usual smile. Her eyes crinkle and her cheeks pull up the corners and top of her mouth. I am ecstatic. I have been dreading my late arrival. This was a special day. It was simple: I didn't wake up on time. I am sweating but I do not care as long as she is smiling. However, it disappears as she punches my arm. She doesn't punch playfully. There's meaning to it but I let it slide. It's a fault after all. I'm sorry, I say. She just looks and then walks away.

I walk after her. It is breezy and her hair is tangled all over. I reach her side and I take her hand. She doesn't take it a back and I take it as a sign. She knows she must take this. It was the least she could do.

We eventually sit on the grass looking over the cliff but seeing nothing at all. We are alone in our thoughts. But I still hold her hand. I'm sorry, she says. I say nothing back and wrap my arms around her. I hug her tightly to my side and we stay like this for quite some time.

I am suddenly surprised. She kisses me. This is not natural for us. We have never kissed. This is the first time. Soon I realize that it has become too wet. Is this really how kisses are? My hands go up to the sides of her face to cradle her cheeks. It feels cold – cold and wet. She has been crying. The moment I notice this I cry too. And there we were kissing and crying as a bunch of minutes passed. At last the tears wouldn't come anymore. What was the point of crying anyway. It would never take away reality.

I'm sorry, she says again. I accept. I do not say I do not mind. She stands, ready to leave. I remain where I am, sitting facing the cliff and still seeing nothing. She waits for some time. I hear a soft sigh and I finally look at her. Please don't see me off, she says. She walks back, away from the cliff, and pretty soon she is gone.

---

I now lie on my bed in the middle of the night, thinking of her. Were we worth it? Was I happy?

Yes, finally I say. I've been quietly happy with her.