The Contracts

Western Union

Since 1856

Dear Bob, I was pleased to look over your novel. I like the description. It's great! A action-packed comedic mystery, is just my cup of tea.

But I have a problem and if you could please understand and bear with me, I will try and resolve this as soon as possible. But we have had a communications breakdown on our floor

My new telephone has gone missing, and for weeks I've been unable to locate even the cord or cable coming into my office. I have crawled on all fours like a hound searching for a rabbit and quite frankly I felt like a fool. Last Saturday, all of our employees at arms length, swept the deck like an aircraft carrier and still nothing.

I find cell phones, by the way, a pain in the ass. Once I get all my numbers entered, after hours of playing with the damn thing, it take a crap and the sim card melts or some s-it like that, and I'm out another $200 buck! I think i'll become gay again, so my boyfriend will buy me one. Boy, those were the days.

Crap! Where was I? Oh yes.

We, here at BALE, located on the 27th floor of the Jensen Building, have never experienced such turmoil. After talking to the superintendent of our building, Mr. Harp`Yardle, I was assured that our phone could not be fixed, but a letter carrier he knows could deliver your package of contracts to be signed.

But then another problem arose. On the day we were suppose to deliver your contracts, there was a mishap.

Rain had started sometime early that morning. Buckets. And by mornings first light, the back roads into your town were flooded, impossible to traverse. So much so, that a clothesline in our courtyard dipped from the weight of hanging sheets, nearly soiling them.

But, I suppose you have no interest in that and so I will continue.

Mr. Gordon, the courier, was thrown off the road by a stray thought which completely captured his attention. Observing a naked woman hitchhiking in the rain an unseen dip in the road caused his 56' Chevy to become airborne, on its way to being buried in 4 foot of mud. Hounded by the thought of not being able to dig his way out, Gordon decided to walk. But, there was challenge. Nine-miles, nine- long miles; that was not the problem. The fact that none of his limbs worked, except one arm, was.

Pounding his way out of the wrecked auto was the easy part, making his way back to the road was even easier. Being how he was up on the mud bank fifteen-feet or so. So: is that too many so's in one sentence? so anyway, when Gordon opened the door and fell out it was easy to slide, just like glob of heated jello, back to the road.

The driver behind the headlight of an approaching auto, [who's name was not recorded on that day, but we think it was Herby Henkeys truck. Its the only one in town with a hitch that strong] could not see the stranger Gordon lying at the roads edge. Nor could Gordon take the chance that this, might be his only chance to make it into town, for your 7:00 a.m. pick-up.

Gordon, by the way, is a large man. He claims a fifty-two inch waist, but between you and I, seventy-two, would more like it... He looks like Fats Domino on steroids or Santa in the off season. Hey, why is it that fat jerk gets to lay around all year and gets all that praise, for just working one night? And in the mean time, I'm slaving my ass off to pay for what he was suppose to bring. The little shit!

So anyway. Where was I? Oh, so Gordon made it back to the road. Big deal. Now what's he going to do? I'll tell you what.

Undoing his belt with his teeth was, mind you, was not an easy task, but after warping it tightly around his one good arm, he flung it out at the 1956 Ford pick-up, just as it passed. The belt buckle caught the intended hitch, so that Gordon was able to catch a ride into town. This particular hitch by the way can be purchased at Al's Hardware and Stable Supplies, over on Clover Road. Ok, once again. Where was I? Oh!

Gordon's rather large size had saved him. Thank God.

Planing behind the Ford pick-up had allowed Gordon to merely skim the surface of the flooded streets, but he arrived five-minutes too late for your pick-up, plus, sadly to say, all the contracts were lost in this mishap... So is it O.K. that we try again tomorrow?

Regards

William Bercille

Sr. Manager